It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Time for family and complete strangers to gather ‘round and eat your cookies. Time for standing in long lines to buy stuff for the increasingly ungrateful little wretches who gather around the tree like vultures around a carcass. Ok. Sorry. I got carried away. We love these kids. But the fact is, roughly 62 percent of the items on store shelves today are 75 percent useless. Here are a few we’ve found this Christmas:
1) The ABhancer is an easy alternative to sit-ups. It’s a plastic frame with six little compartments that you can strap around your mid section. Cinch it tight and it transforms your belly rolls into six-pack abs. Slip a shirt over top and no one’s the wiser.
2) Here’s another product that is virtually flying off shelves straight into clearance bins. Animal Footprint Shoes. These shoes leave realistic animal footprints in snow or soft dirt. Imagine your neighbor opening his front door to discover that a bear has been walking through fresh snow on his porch, as you make growling sounds from the bushes.
3) Japanese manufacturers have outdone themselves again. First they came up with Toyota, now…The Sleep at Work Stickers. To avoid getting caught sleeping on the job, apply these stickers to your closed eyelids as you recline in your office chair for a snooze. If your boss peers in your direction, it will look like your unblinking eyes are staring off into space and that you are deep in productive thought.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Phil, I can’t possibly survive another holiday season if I don’t purchase these immediately.” If so, you need help my friend. And I have some. Here are three free items to bring joy to your holidays.
1) A good laugh. Maybe you’ve heard the one about the guy who ate Christmas decorations and got tinselitis. If that helps you laugh, great. A laugh a day keeps the Grinch away.
2) A grateful heart. The cure for the holiday blues is gratitude. Happiness won’t come from getting what we don’t have but from appreciating what God has already given us.
3) A fresh shot of hope. God’s greatest gift to us is free. John 3:16 tells us how much God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and everlasting life. Our hope is in Him this Christmas. Well, I better get back to work. I think I’ll start by putting these little stickers on my eyes.