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Knowing the Difference Between Perceived and Genuine Hurt

I have a memory that has perplexed me for some time. I was in dialogue with a man who claimed another man had insulted and offended his wife. What had been done, he said, had created a great deal of hurt in his home. I listened to the complaint and soon realized that it was based on a terrible misunderstanding. What was perceived and what had occurred were two very different things. I tried to explain the error. In response, the offended man told me that I was showing disrespect to both his and his wife’s genuine feelings. He said, “It’s not a matter of what actually occurred. It’s about showing respect for our genuine emotions.”

As I have said, the memory of this event has perplexed me for some time. I do think that showing genuine respect for a person’s emotions is a sign of concern and love for them. What people feel is indeed real to them. But what people feel must never be projected onto the other. Once we assume that others are to blame for our feelings, our list of grievances against others is literally unending.

What if the emotions someone feels are based upon faulty assumptions? Or what of the person who is hypersensitive and easily offended? And what of the person who uses their own personal emotional state to constantly draw attention to himself or herself? And what of the person who uses their own emotions as a powerful weapon to control others?

I write these lines because, in my last blog I drew a distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. I had said that genuine forgiveness is demanded of all believers, but reconciliation is possible when the offender is willing to repent. I fear that, to some, these lines are permission to draw up a lengthy list of those who owe us an apology. And as our emotions lead the way, we add ever more individuals with whom we can never reconcile.

I want to draw a distinction between a genuine offense and a perceived offense. The difference between the two is the difference between a genuine and a perceived injury.

At the heart of this discussion is the difference between an action and what we perceive to be the motivation behind the action. Consider the following: When Jesus commanded us not to judge others (Matthew 7:1), He did not mean that we form no opinion on moral evil. It is not that Jesus said, “Don’t judge murder, theft, adultery, rape, idol worship or lying. Just accept people for who they are.”

Indeed, the context of Matthew 7:1 is the Sermon on the Mount. There, Jesus warns His followers of the secret attitudes that arise within our hearts. If we hate someone in the secret place of the heart, we have already murdered them in our hearts. If we lust after the other woman, we have already committed adultery with her in the heart.

But knowing that all sin begins in the secret places of the heart is great temptation to assume we know what resides in others hearts. And it is this that we must not judge. We are encouraged to judge behaviour, but we are discouraged from judging the inner secret motivations behind the behaviour.

And that brings us back to the difference between real harm that others might do to us, and perceived hurt that we often bear in our own souls. It is one thing to forgive and be reconciled to the person who has murdered our child. This is an act of grace. But it is quite another thing to demand an apology from someone whom we imagine has murdered our child in the secret place of the heart. To demand apologies for that which we cannot see, has nothing to do with righteousness. It is merely an attempt to control others with our oversensitive emotions.

Dr. John Neufeld

Dr. John Neufeld

Dr. John Neufeld is the national Bible teacher at Back to the Bible Canada. He has served as Senior Pastor, church planter, conference speaker and educator, and is known both nationally and internationally for his passion and excellence in expositional preaching and teaching.

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